May 26, 2017

Where there is love there is no darkness. - Burundian proverb


NIGERIANS IN THE DIASPORA LOVE EXPERIENCE
The Avoidable Mistakes - by WPP Jr

Man na Man 
Woman na Woman

If you like call am any name you like
Na you sabi  
Man na Man
Woman na Woman

In big cities folks are constantly on the move. Like the tickling sounds of the clock, city life is fast and furious. Like New York City - a concrete jungle where everybody is always in an hurry. Its glamour and splendid, never sleep altitude is mind-boggling. Concrete jungle has its good and bad side too. You can easily get lost in large city.

Just the other day I and a friend took some time off and get out of the concrete jungle of New York. Took a trip to the country side to admire nature’s own. We took lodging at a farm.

There are so many things folks take for granted when you live in the country. In big city, like New York, London, Lagos, Johannesburg etc lizards, butter fly, beetles, and millipedes, insects are rare,  etc except at pet stores. In the city, the cocks are not around to crow at dawn.   But while at the farm, I heard the cock crow at dawn. It felt good because I haven’t heard that for years now. There are so many things we take for granted just because we get it too cheaply. Not until we lose it before we realized its values. Love, relationship and marriage is one such thing. Some of us appreciate too late when the person is gone and they can’t hear our voice any more before we show appreciation.

Some children take their parents for granted while those who do not have understand the value of a caring parents than some of those who have caring parents.

There are couples who have it all but they have no children. They long to have but they are not able to conceived and bear children. They have all the money they need to raise and care for a child but they can’t conceived. Its not their faults they are not able to bear children. Do not try to find answer to all questions if you do living will be more complicated for you. While those who are able to bear children take what they’ve be given by grace for granted. Some even get government assistance and used the money they are suppose to put food on the table for their children for alcohol and drugs abuse while their children go about hungry and improperly care for. Some folks just makes babies whether these children will eat or clothe they don’t care.

There are those who molest and rape their own children and destroy their destiny. Some have good heart, work hard but they marry an evil person, pretenders an abusive partners.

Sometime we appreciate too late when the person is gone and they can’t hear our voice  no more before we show appreciation. Often time, we men appreciate too little too late when our beloved is gone and they can’t hear our voice no more. Often time, folks never value what they have until they lose it before they realize its values. Love, relationship and marriage is one such thing.
Don't break heart's because you may never find that heart to trust you again.


You may never value intimacy because you have a companion by your bed side night in night out just because you get it too cheaply. Why don’t  you try celibacy for 3 6 months or -1 year or more, and see whether you will not value what you treat too cheaply just because you get it too cheaply.

Why are Nigerians and West Africans in the diaspora marriages becoming a curse instead of a blessings?

Is it wrong for a man to go home to his country and marry among his people and bring her to a foreign land?

Love means many things to different people. Marriage means many things to different people. Some marriages are a colossal disaster. One partner maybe genuine and the other is a fake. 

A man and a woman may live under one roof, bear 5 children that does not mean they love each other. Because the marriage from day one is a fraud. She married the man to please her money -status loving parents - just to step up and get to America or Europe. But in the language of true love and genuine marriage, love and marriage goes together and true love and marriage means same thing everywhere and anywhere.

Being in love with your best friend is the best that will ever happen to you. True love grows with time and while fake love fades with time. You can’t live in pretenses forever. One day the real you will be revealed - the devil in you will be revealed. Its an illusion to think marrying among your people will bring you happiness thereafter.  Man is man woman is woman everywhere anywhere. Its our kind affectionate compassionate hearts that matter.

In paradise love is love but before you jump into the band lagoon of “I love you, na me and you go die together, I beg- please, before you jump enter aeroplane to Nigeria/West Africa, go and import a wife to America or Europe, count the cost and ask yourself if marrying a stranger from home is worth your time and investment?

Remember all the suffering and pain and sacrifices you’ve made to get yourself to where you are today, ask yourself if it is worth throwing away . You want to be loved for who you are not what you have. Any relationship that you are not loved for who you are is not worth keeping and its a false relationship.

Importing a wife from home, someone you have not study and don’t fully understand, is it worth the sacrifice in the long run. 26 years in oversea of hard work through snow and bitter cold, embarrassment, difficulties, homelessness, sickness, joblessness, now that you are settled is it worth throwing away into the mud, ask yourself that questions before you go home and import someone you barely know to be your wife. Your formal sweet heart class mate might not be the same people you used to know.  

I know some of you men, once you see Ikeba super-(curvy butt, your head don scatter, you can’t think straight any more with your right mind. Remember, wen yawa gas, tori go full ground. As they say the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know. Marrying at home is not a guarantee of a successful marriage. Man is man woman is woman everywhere anywhere.

The Western system has a way of turning turning folks around to a wide wolves. Except they are grounded with strong personal discipline, if not you’ll lose your humanity to frivolity, abnormalities, selfish and self centred individualism, baby mama, ghetto mentality- gragragra. Just because we are in America/Europe doesn’t mean we should throw away our Rich African Cultural values. Let us remember, you can take an African out of Africa but you cannot take Africa out of an African. Salt is salt even in America, Europe or Asia.

Woman is woman and man is man anywhere everywhere. Good wife or husband is a gift from God. Money cannot buy it neither can silver and gold be exchange for it. What is common has no value. What is valued is not common. A fancy glass isn’t a guarantee of the healthiness of what's inside the glass.  

Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife. Franz Schubert

Living isn’t about self. No, its about building destiny.

"As the cases of seemingly ‘meek’ brides who were taken abroad by their husbands only for such women to turn into snarling monsters rise; today’s OLASENI GANSALLO relieves his experience.  Still dazed by the agony his wife put him through as soon as she got her British passport, he warns men who might be tempted to follow his example, to learn from his bitter experience.

His story: “There is an epidemic in America and a gathering storm in Britain of men who are victims of emotional abuse from their spouses. Many men from Nigeria and other West African countries fall into the trap of vicious spouses they married ‘from home’ thinking they will have a more traditional valued marriage like their parents—away from the seemingly immoral attitudes of the West (and by traditional, I do not mean controlling or abusive which is the misconception).

Of course, most of these men where proved wrong and became or have recently become victims of ‘Coming over and the marriage fraud’. This fraud is not only confined to the spouses ‘from home,’ but it is more rampant among them. Men living abroad in general are 65% more likely to be victims of emotional abuse and this figure jumps to 95% for men who brought their spouses ‘over.’

“Many men in Britain and America walk around dazed, empty shells of themselves after they have been emotionally abused and their imported spouses have stripped them of all they have worked for over many decades, by carefully ‘playing the system’ of the laws in these countries and falsely accusing their deceived male spouses that brought them ‘over’ of all types of false allegations of domestic abuse and violence.

Also absurd is the false presumed assumption that if you are a man and in these particular incidences a black man you are naturally prone to violence and ill-treating women and female spouses. So in effect these female ‘spouses’ can literally get away with murder.

“Most men think it is quite incredulous and ridiculous that the British and American law courts and judges refuse to check the backgrounds of these deceitful spouses who more than often are from humble and poverty-stricken backgrounds and prey on the vulnerability of honest men seeking a suitable family home.

In these countries abroad the law has not recognised the deceit of these spouses, others claim they have but because of racial reasons turn a blind eye to the atrocities of this fraud and leave the African man to suffer because they do not like him in their country. So year after year, month after month, many men are being emotionally abused through this marriage fraud.

“The spouse, usually a wolf in sheep’s clothing, plays the good wife until she gets her British or American passport. When she gets it her emotional abuse sets in by hurting and provoking the man in many ways they know how to and have perfected. It is also usually after two children and securing a job after using husband’s resources to send her back to ‘school.’ Uni to retrain and usually nurse, because the nursing profession in Britain and American is very lucrative.

Then the sheep’s clothing comes off, and the unsuspecting spouse is now staring at a cunning manipulative wolf out to get all his property and money, to send money to her family and build a house ‘back home’. She literally ‘kicks’ the supporting husband out of his own home of which she came to join him as she has used him to her satisfaction and fulfilment and does not need him again but takes all his resources and puts him on the street even in winter.

“How heartless you might say but it is the heartless we are dealing with. Poverty and greed decries many of a good heart, of compassion and of morals.

 “It is far too easy to blame these men, asking why did they marry such women?  ‘Did they not know how rampant this ‘thing is’? ‘Why are they such ‘mumus’? ‘You marry within your class’, etc…. Perhaps there are some truths in such comments but you never really know anyone until they reveal their true colours to you. These deceitful women and their families are usually ardent worshippers of the Lord our God.

With each sentence they mention, ‘in Jesus name’ or call the name of the holy prophets. They swear an oath on all the holy books. They never miss their holy places of worship every Sundays, or any other allocated time for worship. The fact is they are pretending liars, and covering their deceit with the holy books. It seems going to church and other holy places is just routine….

“Also for many men who have been brought up with a real, honest and strong spiritual core that preaches not to judge the poor or look down on the downtrodden for no one knows what anyone will be in future; it is not humane to condemn the poor. (Recently in the press there has been news of a bread hawker turned super model). Who would have known? You marry where love, as we were taught, finds you or where you find love. Besides one does not go to Shoprite or Sainsbury’s to pick a wife on special offer. Some do it but all men should not be confided to such stereotypical methods of ‘buying’ a wife.

“So why are men so reluctant to admit that they have been or are being emotionally abused? Why are they so ashamed to admit that they have been or are victims of marriage fraud’? Not all men are so stupid as to go into a marriage when they know the disastrous intentions of deceitful spouses. Why are men so scared of being ridiculed by others when they have been used and abused?

“It was some of these questions that led me to research and write my book: ‘Men who suffer emotional abuse, The silent suffering. A guide to help.’

I spoke with over 200 men from Nigeria, Ghana and other West African countries in Britain who have been through a similar experience. The formula is Man goes ‘home’, Man marries wife, Husband brings the wife ‘over,’ wife starts to work or go to Uni, and husband pays all the bills for wife’s studies for years. Wife gets her British or American passport.

Wife begins to emotionally abuse man(go to night clubs),openly has affairs… and calls police for man numerous times to build up a ‘history’ of molestation and abuse…. Wife gets good job, applies for divorce. Court transfers all the man’s property to ex-wife. It does not matter if he has lived in the property for 50 years, all is given to her because she has ‘your’ children, (all forgetting having children is a joint effort).

Husband loses employment, moves into a small bedsit and ex-wife now moves her new lover to his home and bed. Husband has suffered severe emotional abuse, but bottles it all up. Husband ends up in psychiatrist’s hospital, gets into drugs and alcohol or commits suicide. Husband is emotionally scared for life. You might be shocked to read this but male suicide is the highest preventable killer amongst men of all races and colours aged 16 to 65 in Britain. Fact.

“Most men I know in Nigeria have been emotionally battered. The alpha male syndrome and consciousness have made most men emotionally dead. Even most do not know how to apply emotional intelligence because their own emotions are dead and they are at a loss on how to apply emotional intelligence in daily life. As human beings we are all emotional however it seems that of the alpha male has been eroded almost permanently.

“Recently I saw a young man weeping profusely walking aimlessly along the street; many who passed wondered, ‘why he was crying like a woman,’ another said, ‘O boy you no know say you be man’? ‘Stop crying jo!! are you a woman’? When I approached the young man and tried to comfort him I asked him why he was crying. He told me he was just coming from hospital where both of his parents had just died and his sister had been amputated. His life was in misery. Nobody ever bothered to ask him why he was crying but condemned him for his tears.

“It seems many have forgotten the eternal truth that, ‘to be a Man—a real Man you have to re-learn how to cry, men and women react differently to emotions. To acknowledge emotion is human but to suppress emotions is to be devoid of humanity itself.

Should we not have human rights Lawyers who will take up genuine cases in Britain and America and save our men from such wickedness? The British laws refuse to take into consideration the background of those spouses who commit the ‘love and marriage fraud ‘just because they have British passports through a fraudulent marriage. Our human rights lawyers could be called in to do these checks, and it will be obvious that deceit was at the core of the marriage, also all the false allegations of many spouses that were “brought over’ will be exposed. This evidence should be passed on to the British and American courts and judges.”

The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make - not just on your wedding day, but over and over again - and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife. 
Barbara De Angelis 

@WPPJrEditor/Publisher
ESANLAND